We here at AM hate mornings. They’re more useless than ass hair as far as we’re concerned. And so in the spirit of being hateful, I’d like to introduce “morning hate.” In this series, we will tackle those issues from the music world that have pissed us off recently.

The morning’s topic is jam bands. I’ve come to believe that jam bands are part of a sinister terrorist plot to erode the fibers of music and catapult the country into a state of despondency. If you listen to jam bands, pay for their shows or even turn a deaf ear while a friend ruins his or her life by listening, you are aiding and abetting terrorist activity. There I said it. You don’t want to help terrorists, do you?

Besides, just because your hippy “friend” thinks they’re the greatest thing since rolling paper, doesn’t mean they are. Who made him an authority anyway? This isn’t 1969. The last time I checked, it was the 21st century and we only have room for one endlessly repetitive musical genre, and that’s trance.

I could show you charts and graphs that show the affects of jam bands on your brain and how they lead to Alzheimer’s and all sorts of other maladies. But the research hasn’t been done yet. And unfortunately it’s not in our budget. That doesn’t make it untrue though. So think of your future. Do you want to spend retirement playing with your grandchildren, or writing your name on the wall in human excrement—that is, of course, assuming you can remember your name.